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Tuổi xuân là phải tàn khốc.

Hồi sáng thứ Sáu có đọc một bài về Triệu Vy, nàng có nói: “Tuổi xuân là phải tàn khốc”. Rồi câu nói ấy cứ ám ảnh mình trong suốt buổi chiều hôm đó.

Cũng khó để biết được liệu đó là câu nói của Triệu Vy, nàng én nhỏ nay đã 37 tuổi, hay của Tân Di Ổ, người viết quyển sách Anh có thích nước Mỹ không (To our youth is fading away). Quyển sách này đã được chuyển thể thành tác phẩm điện ảnh So Young, bộ phim đầu tay do Triệu Vy làm đạo diễn.

Nhưng thôi, tạm thời tôi sẽ không nói loanh quanh về việc Triệu Vy làm đạo diễn thế nào, hay cái tư tưởng chủ đạo “Gửi tuổi thanh xuân đã qua của tất cả chúng ta” mà Tân Di Ổ gửi gắm vào quyển sách nó tuyệt vời ra sao. Tôi chỉ tự hỏi, liệu có phải thời thanh xuân của tất cả mọi người đều tàn khốc như nhau? Hay chỉ một số ít? Hay chỉ một số đông? Hay không có ai tàn khốc mà chỉ là chúng ta tưởng tượng ra chúng. Hay tất cả đều tàn khốc mà chúng ta đều vô tình không biết.

Câu nói đó làm tôi nhớ đến một câu chuyện mà mình đã kể 2 lần trên blog, về một lần ngồi trong lớp học tâm lý, cô giáo hỏi em học tâm lý để làm gì. Tôi bảo: Để xem có phải tuổi trẻ của tất cả mọi người cũng đều quái dị giống em, hay em chỉ là một trường hợp cá biệt. Nỗi niềm thắc mắc đó, đến bây giờ tôi vẫn chưa giải đáp được.

Cứ thỉnh thoảng, lên facebook tôi vẫn hay thấy một vài bạn share với nhau một bài thơ rất hot về “sự được”, nghĩa là cái gì cũng được, : sống kiểu gì thì sống, miễn bình an là được, xe gì thì xe miễn có xe thì được, nhà to nhà nhỏ miễn có nhà là được… Tại sao chúng ta phải chấp nhận sự được, nhận lấy một cuộc đời quá bình yên để rồi làm tan biến mất tất cả những đổi mới, nhiệt thành, đam mê, kỳ vọng, đinh cao, lạc thú? Tại sao chúng ta phải chấp nhận sự được, cái gì cũng được vào tuổi 17? Vào tuổi 25? Vào tuổi 30? Thậm chí, đến tuổi 40 mà đã thấy “cái gì cũng được” đã là bất hợp lý.

Cái bài thơ được được ở trên, có lẽ nên dành cho những người đã qua độ tuổi 60

Tôi không muốn chôn mình trong hai chữ bình yên và trở thành người đoan trang, ngây thơ, non nớt và giàu có nhất ngĩa trang khi mình chết đi. “Thanh xuân là phải tàn khốc”, và bạn muốn biết nó tàn khốc theo kiểu gì? Đây là danh sách những thứ khiến tuổi trẻ của tôi tàn khốc, những điều tôi đã làm, đang làm và sẽ làm trước tuổi 30.

1. Xăm mình. Đóng mực vinh viễn một hình ảnh nào đó lên cơ thể.

2. Du lịch một mình ở một nơi xa lạ. Tôi chưa làm được chủ yếu là thiếu thời gian và tiền hehe.

3. Chơi hững trò chơi mạo hiểm. Thử một lần đặt sinh mạng của mình vào tay tử thần. Dĩ nhiên, tôi chỉ chơi những trò “có vẻ nguy hiểm” nhưng thực ra đã được bảo vệ an toàn. Ví dụ: leo núi phải có dây đeo, lặn biển phải có dưỡng khí, đánh kiếm phải có giáp bảo hộ.

4. Tiêu một món tiền lớn. Cho cái gì? Gì cũng được: xe, nhà, quần áo, một bữa ăn, một chiếc điện thoại. Thử xem mình có hối hận không, hay sẽ vui mừng náo nức đến mức quên hết những khó khăn về tài chính trong những ngày sau đó.

5. Xài hết 90% tiền lương trong 3 ngày đầu tiên sau khi lãnh ra. Rồi sẽ phải ăn mì gói, uống nước lã trong 27 ngày còn lại của tháng. Có hề gì? Đó là một trải nghiệm thú vị mà có lẽ ai cũng phải trải qua trong tuổi trẻ. Nó sẽ làm bạn biết quý trọng tiền bạc hơn.

6. Rong ruổi ngoài phố suốt đêm, đi đây đi đó qua những cung đường vừa thanh vắng vừa đông đúc của thành phố.

7. Uống rượu đến say mèm, ói mật xanh mật đỏ, ói vào người thàng ngồi bên cạnh, ói trước cửa nhà, ói trên giường.

8. Tiêu một món tiền thật lớn trong bar, lắc thật nhiệt tình như thể éo có thằng nào nhìn.

9. Làm những gì mình thích. Tin tưởng vào gu thời trang của mình bất kể nó quái dị đến đâu. Mặc những gì mình muốn, ăn những gì mình thèm, tát đứa nào mình ghét, chửi đứa nào mình yêu.

10. Ngủ lang chạ vài lần để biết cảm giác tình một đêm.

11. Yêu hết mình một đứa để rồi khi thất tình sẽ u sầu não nề buồn đau mây khói nhịn ăn nhịn ngủ khóc lóc toét mắt suốt mấy ngày liền.

12. Nằm nhà luyện phim bộ Hồng Kong, Trung Quốc, Mỹ, Hàn Quốc gì đó suốt một tuần hoặc một tháng liền.

13. Ra nghĩa trang chơi lúc 12h đêm.

14. Đi xe máy xuyên Việt, một mình.

15. Tham gia một cuộc ẩu đả, đánh nhau một lần. Có những người đã sống hết cuộc đời mà vẫn chẳng biết tay nghề đánh đấm của mình dư lào.

16. Cắm tarị trong rừng một lần, ngủ qua đêm và nếu có thể, hãy làm tình.

17. Dành một đêm để ngủ dưới những vì sao. ở đâu: trên đồi, trên đồng cỏ, ngoài ruộng lúa….

18. Nghịch tuyết một lần, làm người tuyết một lần, ném những quả bóng tuyết vào mặt bạn bè khoảng 1000 lần

19. Thử start up một mô hình kinh doanh be bé: quán trà chanh, quán bún đậu, quán cà-phê, xe bánh mì… và thử ảm giác thất bại, tung tiền, đau khổ.

20. Tổ chức một bữa tiệc cho bạn bè, có thể tại nhà hoặc ở đâu đó, hồ bơi càng tốt, một buổi tiệc thật TO và thật vui.

21. Mua một chiếc vé thật đắt, thật VIP tại một chương trình ca nhạc, nghệ thuật mà mình yêu thích.

22. Chen lấn, xô đẩy, ngồi chờ đợi dưới cái nắng thiêu đốt 40 trong 7, 8 giờ đồng hồ chỉ để mua được một thứ mình thích: một cái điện thoại, một cái áo, một chiếc đĩa nhạc hay một ly Starbucks.

23. Tham gia đánh bạc thật nhiều, thật máu một lần ở những trung tâm cờ bạc lớn nhất thế giới: Macau, Las Vegas…

24. Sống ở một đất nước ngoại quốc ít nhất vài tháng.

25. Sống ở một hòn đảo ít nhất vài tháng

26. Thử một lần 3some

27. Hôn, hoặc ôm một người lạ ngoài đường.

28. Chọc, trêu đùa và chơi khăm một đứa nào đó. Lạ hoặc quen đều được, đến nỗi nó tức giận điên máu và xách dao rượt mình.

29. Hẹn gặp một người mà mình chưa biết mặt.

30. Đến chơi ở một CLB thoát y, xem môt sex show.

31. Ngủ với một người lớn hơn mình 12 tuổi.

32. Ngủ với một người trẻ hơn mình 12 tuổi.

33. Thử một lần sex nơi công cộng

34. Nói “Anh yêu em” hoặc “em yêu anh” với một ai đó, bằng tiếng Việt, rõ ràng, tại nơi đông người chứ ko phải khi đang trần truồng nằm trên giường.

35. Học một môn ngoại ngữ mới, lạ lùng mà ít ai học.

36. Tham gia một cuộc thi mà biết chắc chắn bạn sẽ rớt.

37. Một lần biểu diễn trên sân khấu trước hàng trăm, hàng ngàn người. Sẽ càng tốt nếu đó là mọt buổi biểu diễn siêu dở.

38. Leo lên một ngọn núi thật cao…

39. Bán hết tất cả những thứ mà mình từng yêu quý, bán hoặc đem cho từ thiện cũng được: ví dụ, những quyển sách, những chồng đĩa game, những bộ quần áo…

40. Tắm mưa khi trưởng thành, nếu được, hãy nhảy múa càng tốt.

41. Thử im lặng hoàn toàn trong một ngày.

42. Làm gì đó ngu ngốc đến nỗi phải hối hận suốt đời…

43. Tha thứ một người mà bạn hận thù đến tận xương tủy.

44. Hận thù đến tận xương tủy một người nào đó.

45. Ở tập thể trong 1 phòng cùng vơi ít nhất 10 người trong vòng vài tháng

46. ….

Nhiều quá, nhiêu đó đủ tàn khốc chưa hỡi thanh xuân?

(2013)

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