Chuyện thường tình

Những kẻ bất tử

1. Trong quyển tiểu thuyết Anh túc đỏ mà tôi viết xong vào tháng 2/2014, có một nhân vật tạm gọi là H. H từng có một người yêu rất tuyệt. Đó là một anh chàng tốt bụng, hào hoa, lịch thiệp, phong nhã, thiện tâm, đáng mến, lành mạnh, trong sạch, hòa đồng, dễ chịu, luôn nở nụ cười và chưa bao giờ thôi sẵn lòng giúp đỡ người khác. Thế nhưng, chàng trai đó lại mất sớm vì một cơn bạo bệnh. Sự ra đi của người đàn ông mà H yêu quý đã mang H xuống hố sâu. Cậu trở nên sa đọa, sống một cuộc đời khủng khiếp với tất cả những thói hư tật xấu trên thế gian, chỉ với một mục đích duy nhất là để sớm được chết, như H, hội ngộ cùng anh và cùng khám phá về cái sự bấn tận của cuộc đời đằng sau cái chết. Nhưng dĩ nhiên, mọi thứ sẽ chẳng bao giờ như H mong muốn. Cậu bị số phận rang buộc ở lại trên thế gian, dù hư hỏng, cũng như người yêu của mình bị buộc phải rời khỏi cuộc đời, dù thiện lương.

2. Khi phát biểu tại buổi lễ tốt nghiệp cấp ba, nữ nhân vật Gwen Stacy trong bộ phim siêu sến The Amazing Spider-Man 2 có nói một câu thế này: “Đa phần chúng ta đều tưởng rằng mình bất tử”. Quả đúng như vậy thật. Ở cái tuổi 20, 25, 30 , 35, chúng ta cứ hay nghĩ rằng mình sẽ luôn làm mãi một việc, yêu mãi một người, lên mãi một kế hoạch, ngồi mãi ở một quán cà phê, ăn mãi một món ngon, ngắm mãi một bầu trời. Chúng ta hung hục lao vào những kế hoạch dài hạn 5 năm, 10 năm, 15 năm, rồi vô tình bỏ quên nhưng thứ cần phải làm, và cần thay đổi ở ngay trước mắt. Sẽ ra sao nếu hôm nay bạn chết? Câu hỏi này là một nghi vấn siêu cliché, nhưng nó vẫn cần phải được nhắc đi nhắc lại trong đầu của tôi mỗi tối. Hãy lấy một ví dụ đơn giản thế này: khi bạn mua một tờ vé số, xác xuất trúng độc đắc của bạn thậm chí còn thấp hơn xác suất bạn sẽ chết trên đường trở về nhà. Vậy nếu bạn từng mơ tưởng rằng mình sẽ làm gì với 1,5 tỷ đồng trong tay, tại sao không nghĩ đến việc sẽ làm gì với 15 phút trước khi chết? Một câu hỏi vớ vẩn, nhưng nó đã tồn tại một cách vớ vẩn như thế từ lâu rồi.

3. Tuần này, có một người bạn của tôi vừa ra đi vĩnh viễn, ở tuổi 25. Tôi không muốn mượn bạn để làm chủ đề một bài viết, cũng không muốn kể lại một kỷ niệm, không muốn post lên một bức hình nào chung, chỉ muốn nói một điều, rằng thứ tôi sẽ nhớ vĩnh viễn ở T là nụ cười không bao giờ tắt. Trên Facebook của T luôn tràn ngập những nụ cười thiện lương, những vòng tay ấm áp dành cho các em nhỏ trong mùa tình nguyện. Giữa cái vòng vây kỳ quặc và tráo trở của cuộc đời., dù chưa tiếp xúc nhiều với T, nhưng tôi thấy em quả là một người hiếm hoi có được tấm chân tình tốt bụng và nhẹ nhàng thực sự. Nhưng T đã mất, điều đó cũng là thực sự. Như cái số phận trớ trêu của cuộc đời, đôi khi chúng ta vẫn thường hay rủa xả những kẻ ác nên chết sớm, nên chết quách đi, chúng ta hay dùng cái chết để làm một phương thức xử phạt và trừng trị. Để rồi, vĩnh viễn, cuộc đời luôn chứng minh rằng con người không có quyền gì làm chủ thế giới này cả. Người tốt thì chết sớm, còn kẻ ác thì vẫn sống dai.

4. Hồi bé, tôi rất sợ chết. Năm 12 tuổi tôi ngủ không bao giờ nằm nghiêng, vì có lần xem trên tivi phim kiếm hiệp tôi thấy có một người bị thích khách vào nhà, đổ keo vao lỗ tai, chết quách. Cũng tầm thời gian đó, tôi không dám ra đường một mình vì sợ xe đụng, không dám ra vườn vào đêm vì sợ rắn cắn, đi ngủ lúc nào cũng dùng gối che chắn thật kỹ bốn phía xung quanh để không có con gì chui vào giường. Tôi phòng vệ rất kỹ, vì tôi không cam tâm muốn chết khi còn quá trẻ. Sau này, khi lớn lên, tôi vẫn hay tự cười vì những hành động của mình thuở bé, rồi tôi trấn an bản thân rằng ở ngoài kia có hang trăm, hàng nghìn, hàng triệu người có thể sống đến 60, 70 tuổi, chẳng lẽ mình không nằm trong số đó? Thế là tôi không lo nữa, thấy đời nhẹ nhõm hơn nhiều. Và bây giờ, một lần nữa, cái cảm giác lo sợ chết trẻ đó đang quay trở lại. Ở một cái thể giới có quá nhiều đột biến, đầy rẫy những người bệnh, tràn ngập hóa chất, rồi tất cả chúng ta cũng phải đều canh cánh một nỗi lo. Mà chẳng biết lo gì.

5. Cũng bởi vấn đề sợ chết hay không sợ chết, tôi cứ bị dằn vặt giữa việc thực hiện ước mơ ngay từ bây giờ, hay tiếp tục “nín thở” chờ đợi? Tôi muốn làm phim, nhưng tôi phải để dành tiền và back-up cho những hệ lụy trong tương lai của mình. Tôi muốn làm việc thật cật lực, nhưng tôi cũng phải dành thời gian cho người yêu và giải trí nữa chứ? Tôi muốn viết sách tiếp, nhưng tôi cần thời gian để trải nghiệm thêm và dồn nén cảm xúc. Tôi muốn tiêu tiền, muốn có cuộc sống thoải mái và vui vẻ, muốn ăn ngon, mặc đẹp, nhưng tôi cũng cần để dành cho một tương lai xa hơn. Và cứ vậy, mỗi ngày với tôi đều là một guồng quay của câu hỏi không lời đáp: hôm nay ta sẽ làm gì, dấn thân bứt phá hay cố thủ chờ đến thời cơ? Và nếu chờ, thì chờ đến khi nào?

6. T đã vĩnh viễn nằm lại trong mùa hè này, cái mùa hè vĩnh cửu của hàng tỷ người khác vẫn đang còn sống trên trái đất. Và tôi biết, dù có nói gì đi nữa, nhiều người trong chúng ta vẫn nghĩ rằng mình bất tử, phải không?

(2014)

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