Chuyện thường tình

Đừng nhảy qua miệng hố

Chuyến đi đầu năm về phía đảo chỉ có ba người.

Đây hình như không phải lần đầu tiên cả nhà đi chơi mà vắng bóng ba. Ba mất cũng lâu rồi, giỗ đầu cũng qua. Nhưng thỉnh thoảng nghĩ lại mình vẫn thấy như mới chỉ hôm qua. Căn bản là vì thời gian trôi nhanh quá, ngẩng mặt đã thấy vài năm trôi tuột qua, để lại cũng nhiều thứ, trong đó có cả khoảng trống.

Mà thôi, chuyện vắng ba trong một chuyến đi chơi không phải là thứ mình muốn nghĩ ngợi lúc này mà là chuyến mối quan hệ đang ngày càng gai góc giữa mẹ và em. Thằng nhóc, u20, đang trong độ tuổi bới móc và tìm hiểu cuộc sống của đời mình. Mẹ, u60, vẫn còn tươi tỉnh, trẻ trung và mạnh khỏe, nhưng dĩ nhiên là không thể lúc nào cũng cuồng vội, ồn ào, náo nhiệt được. Kẹp giữa là mình, u30, may quá chưa tới thời kỳ midlife crisis, không thì có vẻ khá bi kịch

Căn bản là dòm mẹ với thằng em cứ chỏi nhau chan chát bỗng khiến mình nghĩ về nhiều thứ. Thực tế thì thằng em không gai góc bằng mình ngày xưa. Nhớ năm 18 tuổi, suốt quãng thời gian ít nhất là 6 tháng trước khi lên đường đến sg, mình và mẹ cứ cãi nhau suốt. Cãi rất to, kiểu con muốn sống cuộc đời của con và mẹ muốn con sống cuộc đời của mẹ. Chẳng ai nhịn ai. Mình và mẹ vốn khá giống tính nhau, tương đồng về sở thích, nhưng chắc trong mình có đâu đó một cọng dây bị chạm mạch, khiến cho mọi thứ lệch pha đến nỗi cả thế giới dường như bị xô nghiêng đi. Nhiều lúc nhìn lại, suốt một quãng thời gian qua, đôi lúc mình thấy tội cho mẹ vì có đứa con như mình, đã không được bình thường như người ta, lại thích chơi trội. Túm lại là rất khó nắm bắt, hay cãi, làm chuyện tào lao, dường như không sống được cho gia đình ngày nào. Vân vân…

Cho nên, giờ nhìn mẹ với thằng em cứ thi thoảng cãi nhau, mình thấy ngài ngại nên cũng không xen vào được. Xét cho cùng, ai coi nhiều phin Hollywood thì cũng hiểu, lũ trẻ 15, 16, 17, 18 là thể loại con nít bất trị nhất. Chúng là những hình mẫu vốn trở thành kinh điển trong văn học: Bắt trẻ đồng xanh, Như không hề có, Ngựa chứng đầu xanh… Chúng là thể loại thanh thiếu niên mà chúng ta vẫn thường hay thấy trong màn ảnh rộng: khoái đội mũ trùm, đeo tai nghe in-ear, rúc mình trong phòng, cãi nhau không lại thì nhét tai nghe vào rồi ngoe nguẩy bỏ đi, lúc nào cũng nhoay nhoáy bảo: “Bố mẹ để cho con yên được không”.

Kể cả năm 18 mình có là một đứa trẻ ngoan, mình cũng khó lòng có thể bảo gì với thằng em khi mẹ nhờ vả: “Thỉnh thoàng con khuyên nó dùm mẹ cái đi”. Lời khuyên là thứ vô hình tựa như sương của tuổi 17, và nó sẽ tiếp tục stay invisible cho đến khi những vấp ngã bắt đầu ùa đến, ở độ tuổi khoảng 24, 25, may ra thì sớm hơn vài năm. Khi bắt đầu được bước vào đời bằng đôi chân của mình, những đứa trẻ đã-từng-17 rồi sẽ hiểu tất cả những chiếc gai nhím mình từng xù lên trong quá khứ đều chỉ là giả tạo, vô ích, buồn cười và phi nghĩa.

Và, xét ở thế ngược lại, những bó buộc, kìm hãm, khuyên răn, nỗ lực đến tuyệt vọng của các bậc phụ huynh khi có con ở độ tuổi này, cũng gần như là phi nghĩa. Nhưng dĩ nhiên, dù sao nó vẫn là điều cần thiết, những lời mắng ấy, những cằn nhằn ấy, nó giống như là một vòng cương tỏa đầy tính răn đe bao bọc lấy tuổi trẻ, để con chim không thể xổ lồng mà bay, và chết dưới mũi tên của những tay thợ săn khi vẫn còn ngờ nghệch chẳng hiểu gì về cuộc đời.

Căn bản thì em mình vẫn là một chàng trai ngoan. Ít ra thì mình vẫn vui vì điều đó. Nó chỉ khó chịu khi phải bắt đầu đương đầu với quá nhiều biến chuyển của đời sống, và nó chỉ chọn lọc hấp thu lấy những gì khiến mình cảm thấy thư thái, dễ chịu nhất. Mọi đứa trẻ ở độ tuổi này, dù trong đời thực, văn học hay Hollywood đều như thế. Thật khó để nuốt trôi cái quan niệm rằng thuốc đắng thì dã tật, giờ chịu cực sau này sẽ sướng… vân vân và vân vân. YOLO mà, sao phải sống khổ cực và làm những thứ mình không thích, ăn như thứ mình ghét, coi những thứ mình khinh thường làm gì? Để làm gì, câu trả lời đó không phải cứ buông từ miệng của một người đi trước là có thể giải quyết được. Không. Chúng phải tự tìm lấy.

Chỉ vài tháng nữa là em mình phải thi đại học. Mình ủng hộ nó tìm kiếm một cuộc sống riêng, ra ngoài ở trọ và bắt đầu thoát ly khỏi những vòng cương tỏa. Dĩ nhiên rồi, năm 18 tuổi thì đó là thứ khao khát nhất của đời mình mà, sao mình lại có thể ngăn cản nó trong giây phút này được. Từ lúc đó đến giờ, đã 10 năm, dẫu 10 năm trôi qua thì vẫn chẳng có gì thay đổi, tuổi trẻ vẫn muốn sống theo cách của mình, và đó là cách duy nhất để lớn khôn. Mình ủng hộ nó tự thu xếp mọi chuyện, mình ủng nộ nó sống bầy hầy, mình ủng hộ nó sống trong những căn nhà tập thể 10, 11 người, mình ủng hộ nó chong đèn trước vi tính chơi game, chat sex, suốt đêm suốt sáng, mình ủng hộ nó đi bar, long nhong ngoài đường đến lúc bình minh mới trở về nhà, mình ủng hộ nó làm tất cả mọi thứ để có thể lớn khôn và trưởng thành hơn. Sau tất cả chuyện đó, một trong số chúng ta sẽ hiểu được rằng đâu là giá trị quý nhất mà mình cần theo đuổi. Và rồi, thật đáng buồn nếu có một số không nhận ra, tiếp tục chìm đắm trong 5 năm, 10 năm, 20 năm vào những thứ khiến mình khuây khỏa trong khoảng thời gian đầu tiên của tuổi trẻ đó. Âu cũng là số phận của mỗi người.

Tuổi trẻ và những nổi loạn là một cái hố bất cứ chúng ta ai cũng phải nhìn thấy và vượt qua. Một số người chọn cách đi đường vòng hoặc nhảy vượt lên nó để tránh khỏi những tai ương lẫn hạnh phúc mà nó mang lại. Số còn lại chọn cách đi xuống hố, rồi tìm cách trèo lên. Có người thoát ra được, và cũng có người vĩnh viễn không thể rời khỏi đáy hố, tiếp tục chìm sâu xuống vũng lầy mà chúng ta mắc phải. Nhưng có hề gì, liệu những hiểm nguy của cái hố có phải là thứ khiến chúng ta phải chùn bước, không với tay tới những gì tuyệt vời và rúng động mà nó có thể mang lại hay không? Nếu được cho một lời khuyên, mình vẫn khuyên rằng hãy đi thẳng xuống miệng hố, vùng vẫy trong đó, và rồi tìm cách thoát lên. Bởi những kẻ được đào luyện bởi cái hố đó, sẽ thành công hơn nhiều những người tìm cách nhảy qua

(2015)

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