Sex & Love

Những ngày cuối năm…

1. S vẫn đều đặn nhắn tin thường xuyên. Mới vài tháng chia tay, mà tôi tưởng như cả nửa đời người đã trôi qua trước mắt. Thường là vào buổi tối, lúc chạy ngoai đường, tôi vẫn thấy thấp thoáng như bóng dáng S quanh quẩn bên mình. Không phải chuyện ma, đó chỉ là nỗi nhớ, hậu quả của việc bên nhau suốt một quãng thời gian quá dài. Giờ thì đi bất cứ con đường nào, ngồi bất cứ góc quán nào, ăn bất cứ món gì, mua bất cứ thứ gì… tôi cũng có thể khuấy lên một kỷ niệm với S.

Và cũng chính vì vậy, mà tôi chưa bao giờ trả lời tin nhắn của anh. Có một phút chốc nào đó, trong tôi trỗi lên cái ý nghĩa rủ S đi xem một bộ phim mà mình yêu thích. Trong muôn vàn cảm giác của đời người, đối với tôi vinh hạnh và tuyệt vời nhất vẫn chính là cảm giác chia sẻ niềm vui. Một khi đã thích cái gì, tôi sẽ muốn người mình yêu cũng được tận hưởng nó đầu tiên. Nhưng cái ngày đó đã lùi lại quá xa, không phải tại S, mà tại tôi quá phũ phàng, tại tôi quá tham lam, và cũng tại tôi quá hèn nhát để có thể nối lại một mối quan hệ.

Tôi thừa biết, những dòng này rất có thể lại khơi mào một chuỗi tin nhắn khác từ S. Tôi sẽ không trả lời, nhưng tôi vẫn vui vì ở đâu đó có người đợi mình, dù tôi biết mãi mãi câu chuyện ấy sẽ không quay trở lại. Một niềm vui quá ích kỷ, phải không?

2. Còn P thì dạo này không thấy tăm tích gì.

P có người yêu mới, tôi đoán vậy, qua lần gặp cuối cùng mà chúng tôi hẹn hò cách đây hơn một tháng. Vẫn căn phòng nằm trên tầng 3 của một khu nhà cũ đó, ánh cửa hướng ra mái nhà của một dải mái tone bên cạnh. Tôi vẫn hay đùa P, một ngày nào đó em sẽ lén anh đến đây vào nửa khuya, không phải để đợi anh đi làm về vào ban sớm, mà chỉ để ngồi trên mái nhà hàng xóm, ngắm bình mình. Em thích thế, giống Doraemon, và Nobita…

Đôi khi tôi cũng thấy mình lãnh cảm, xét về khía cạnh mối quan hệ đời thường. Có rất nhiều lý do để một người bỗng dưng mất tích. Ngoài việc khả năng lớn là P có người yêu, còn có thể là vì gia đình anh có chuyện, hoặc P bệnh, hoặc gặp tai nạn, hay kinh khủng hơn, là chết đâu đó mất rồi??? Nhưng tôi không thích nghĩ thế, tôi thích nghĩ đến việc P đã có người bên cạnh, và sau bao năm tháng dài buồn bã vì còn níu giữ những kỷ niệm với ex, nay P đã có thể triệt tiêu nó. Chưa chắc người yêu mới đã khá khẩm hơn, nhưng dù sao đó cũng là điều đáng mừng. Và việc P mất tích trong mối quan hệ với tôi cũng cho thấy có lẽ anh đang thực sự nghiêm túc. Tôi thích những người nghiêm túc trong tình yêu. Khi đang cô đơn, bạn có thể sống buông thả, lăng loàn, sa đọa, phi lý đến mức nào cũng được, nhưng một khi đã chính thức bước chân vào một mối quan hệ, thì phải trân trọng nó.

P không phải người tinh tế, nhưng tôi tin, P hiểu được cách gìn giữ một con người. Cũng như P từng tự nhận: “Anh là người chung thủy”.

3. Chiều qua nằm với H trong một căn phòng nhỏ ở vùng ven thành phố, trong 3 tiếng đồng hồ, H đã 3 lần nói câu: “Ước gì, được ôm T mãi”. Tôi đã im lặng, và không nói gì.

Giữa những ngày cuối năm bị vây quanh bởi những mệt mỏi về bế tắc, được nghe một câu như vậy, dù chỉ là giả tạo hay cảm xúc nhất thời, cũng là một niềm vui. Nhưng tôi không dám đón nhận nó một cách quá dữ dội. Tôi đã qua cái tuổi cảm thấy tự hào vì mình là trung tâm của cả thế giới với một ai đó, mà ngược lại, tôi thấy sợ hơn. Tôi muốn rên lên với H một câu từ chối, nhưng sợ bạn mất hứng. Tôi đã hiếm hoi lắm mới nằm với ai đó được hơn 3 giờ đồng hồ, và tôi không muốn phá tan cái khoảnh khắc lãng mạn dù hơi khiên cưỡng ấy. Mà nói thật là, dù sao đi nữa thì tôi vẫn là một kẻ sến sẩm, vẫn bị mềm lòng bởi những câu nói ấy. Nó cho tôi thấy, dù sao đi nữa mình vẫn còn quan trọng, với một số người…

H có vẻ cũng như P, là người muốn gìn giữ một mối quan hệ casual sex kéo dài, và thường xuyên. Tôi thích điều đó nhưng cũng sợ điều đó. Việc gặp gỡ thường xuyên trong vài tháng đầu quen biết sẽ có thể thúc đẩy mối quan hệ, khiến tình giao lưu thêm gắn kết và nồng nhiệt. Nhưng, như tôi đã nói nhiều lần, một mối quan hệ dựa trên nền tảng là tình dục nhất thiết không được gặp nhau nhiều quá. Sự đều đặn sẽ mang lại cảm giác nhàm chán, mà cảm giác nhàm chán chính là con dao cắt đứt sợi dây vô hình đang giữ cả hai lại với nhau.

4. Trong những cuộc chạm mặt vô tình của 3 tháng trở lại đây, kinh ngạc nhất có lẽ là cuộc gặp với M. Việc gặp M trên phố, khi tôi đang đi bộ, giữa 2 cuốc xe ôm, vào một ngày kỳ lạ, chính là thứ giúp tôi khẳng định rằng bản thân mình đang lạc lối trong giai đoạn nghiệt ngã nhất cuộc đời. Tôi đã rất bình thản lên xe khi quá giang M một đoạn, nhưng không sao ngăn nổi những cơn sóng cảm xúc vỡ ồ ạt trong lòng. Tôi vẫn luôn tự hỏi, nếu hôm đó mình không ở lại trễ để rồi không lấy xe về được và phải về xe ôm thì sao, nếu hôm đó tôi chọn chú xe ôm khác thay vì đi một quãng quá xa để chọn chú xe ôm này thì sao, nếu hôm đó tôi không chọn đi đường vòng chỉ vì phân vân bởi một cuộc hẹn với H thì sao, nếu hôm đó tôi không chợt nảy ra ý kiến chia đôi quãng đường xe ôm để đỡ xa thì sao… Và quan trọng nhất, nếu M không nhận ra tôi từ phía sau, để rồi không chạy vượt qua tôi một quãng và nhìn lại, nở nụ cười, thì sao?

Mọi cái nếu đều không xảy ra, chỉ có một sự thật từng xảy ra là tôi đã gặp lại M. Khoảng thời gian hai năm dựng lên sừng sững như một bức tường chắn giữa cả hai. Những câu hỏi thăm vội, những sự khấp khởi pha lẫn thú vị, trộn với cái cảm xúc mà mình đang cố đè nén khiến tôi bối rối. Tôi đang ở đâu thế này, làm gì với cuộc đời mình, tại sao tôi lúc nào cũng thấy bản thân quá trớ trêu, không thể an lành?

5. Chat với D, linh tinh, anh kể mình vẫn còn thương nhớ người cũ, dù đã gần 2 năm trôi qua. Hai năm nói dài thì dài, nhưng cũng như một cái chớp mắt, nếu yêu quá sâu đậm, không quên được cũng không có gì là lạ. Tôi bảo, chắc anh và người ấy mắc nợ nhau. Còn anh nghĩ, chỉ mình anh mắc nợ họ thôi…

Đúng là có những mối quan hệ mà chúng ta cảm thấy như mình đang mắc nợ một người. Chúng ta sống chết si mê một kẻ không ra gì, nhan sắc không mặn mà, tính tình không tốt đẹp. Chúng ta có đủ mọi lý do để nghĩ xấu về người ấy nhưng vẫn không sao ngăn được cái cảm giác muốn yêu. Đó là thứ cảm giác kỳ lạ, phi lý, nó vượt ra khỏi mọi mối luân thường và logic về đời sống. Nó bao trùm, nhưng cũng tách biệt ra toàn bộ thói quen, loại trừ cả yếu tố tình dục hay thời gian, khoảng cách.

Cái cảm giác này, cũng giống như cảm giác mà tôi dành S. Tôi những muốn căm thù anh, tận diệt anh, giết chết anh bằng tất cả những giận dữ mà mình có thể khơi lên được, nhưng mặt khác, tôi cũng muốn bỏ qua tất cả, gạt bỏ hết những chuẩn mực và nhu cầu của mình chỉ để nối lại mối quan hệ với anh. Một cảm giác trộn lẫn giữa khuôn khổ và lộn xộn, giữa lý tính và cảm tính, giữa danh giá và tủi nhục, giữa dũng cảm và đê hèn, giữa buồn bã và niềm vui, và giữa tham vọng và khoan dung nữa….

6. Những ngày cuối năm, ôi những ngày cuối năm… Giờ chỉ muốn được lôi sách ra nằm đọc giữa biển thế này.

(2015)

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