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MỘT NHIỆT ĐỚI BUỒN (1)

December 15, 2018 /

Nếu có gì đó khiến tôi nhớ nhất vào buổi tối ngày 6/12/2018, thì đó có lẽ là tiếng hò reo vang dội của đám đông cổ vũ bóng đá ngoài đường. Trong khách sạn, ở căn phòng nằm trên tầng ba cách mặt đường chừng hai mươi mét, là tôi và anh nằm sóng đôi bên nhau, thiếp đi sau một ngày mệt nhoài vì căng mình chịu đựng sức nóng của miền nhiệt đới, những tiếng lách cách của những đồ vật va vào nhau loảng xoảng trong bệnh viện, sự cau có của những người điều dưỡng lâu năm, sự lúng túng của những tay y tá trẻ mới vào nghề, những ánh mắt buồn sâu thẳm, vô vọng nhưng cũng không kém phần sắt đá của cả người thân lẫn bệnh nhân nằm ở Nhiệt Đới vào mùa đông năm đó. Mùa đông ở Sài Gòn nóng như thể Giáng Sinh sắp đến là dịp để người ta mặc váy ren xuyên thấu, áo hai dây rất ngắn và sexy chứ không phải là những bộ cánh lù xù ấm áp. Sự ấm áp sẽ làm cho chúng ta yếu đuối, tôi nhớ mình đã đọc câu này ở đâu đó, nhưng không nhớ được là ở đâu.

Cả tôi và anh đều choàng tỉnh dậy sau tiếng reo đầu tiên của đoàn người ngoài đường, kéo theo đó là tiếng nẹt bô nối dài nhau nghe điếc tai kinh khủng. Đoạn đường phía trước khách sạn là một đoạn đường rộng, hai chiều, lại không phải khu trung tâm, nên khá lý tưởng để những hung thần trẻ tuổi thoả sức thể hiện bản thân, nhất là trong những dịp hiếm có mà cảnh sát cũng phải bất lực nhìn đám đông cuồng nộ thế này. Tôi an ủi anh: “Chỉ một lát nữa thôi, đường sẽ đông hơn, nghẹt người, những kẻ thích ra vẻ sẽ chẳng còn rồ ga được nữa”. Thay vào đó, sẽ là một hàng những con người khác nhau, đủ mọi tầng lớp, đủ mọi thành phần, đủ mọi cảm xúc, rồng rắn kéo nhau nhích từng bước một, đầu đeo băng đô đỏ, tay phát cờ, miệng thổi kèn toe toe toe ăn mừng chiến thắng của đội tuyển Việt Nam trước Philippines và bước vào vòng chung kết của AFF Cup 2018. Một chiến thắng mà nghe đâu, là nhờ một ông thầy phong thuỷ đã cho di dời 40 quả cầu đá ở sân vận động Mỹ Đình, Hà Nội.

Trước đó vài tiếng, anh đã đề nghị tôi rằng chúng mình đừng đến khách sạn đó ngủ nữa. Phần vì anh không quen chỗ, phần vì anh không thấy thoải mái với mùi hương nồng nàn mà người dọn phòng của khách sạn đó đã dùng. Nhưng vì đã lỡ trả tiền đến hai đêm, nên chúng tôi, phần vì tiếc tiền, phần vì một chút cố gắng của anh, đã đến đây để ngủ thêm một đêm nữa. Dù sao thì anh cũng không thể ngủ đêm được ở bệnh viện, một nơi chốn chật, nóng, bức bối và đầy ám ảnh với một người thuộc dạng kỹ tính như anh. Ngay cả khi chúng tôi quyết định trốn viện vào ban đêm để ra khách sạn gần đó mà ngủ, đó cũng là cả một sự nỗ lực của anh. Anh muốn về nhà, anh nhớ nhà mình lắm, anh bảo vậy. Là một người đàn ông luôn hướng về gia đình và những giá trị truyền thông thuần khiết, chuyện anh coi việc được trở về nhà quan trọng hơn bao giờ hết, cũng không có gì lạ. Anh đã nằm viện đúng một tuần, 4 ngày ở một bệnh viện tư sạch, đẹp, yên tĩnh với những người điều dưỡng ngọt ngào, nhưng 3 ngày sau là một ác mộng. Nhưng có phải nếu đối mặt với ác mộng mỗi ngày, chúng ta sẽ quen với nó? Tôi không biết, tôi thì đã quen, nhưng chưa chắc anh cũng vậy. Tôi đã nghỉ làm gần 10 ngày kể từ khi bản thân mình mắc bệnh cảm cúm cho đến khi anh ngã bệnh, sự tàn bạo của cuộc sống trong những ngày qua đang ngày càng khắc nghiệt và dữ dội hơn, cứ như thể một cơn sóng của những ác mộng cứ vồ vập cuốn về. Tại sao lại là bây giờ? Tôi không biết, cũng như tôi không biết tại sao khi chúng tôi đang mệt mỏi, đau khổ, buồn nản, và không cần gì hơn ngoài một chút yên tĩnh và nghỉ ngơi thì đám đông ngoài kia lại cuồng nộ và hò reo điếc tai vì một chiến thắng vớ vẩn trong bóng đá. Tôi có nên khinh bỉ, hay căm ghét, hay bày tỏ thái độ thù địch công khai với những kẻ không hề biết quan tâm gì đến cảm xúc của người khác như thế. Họ làm kẹt đường, họ gây ồn ào, họ xả rác, họ làm ô nhiễm âm thanh, họ chạm vào nỗi đau của những kẻ khốn khổ khác một cách vô tình nhưng cũng đầy ác độc và lãnh cảm. Những người đang bệnh như anh thì sao? Những người đang mệt mỏi như tôi thì sao? Những người nhà có tang thì sao? Những người hành khất đang đói thì sao? Những người vô gia cư đang rét run vì lạnh thì sao? Họ không cần những niềm vui ảo ảnh đầy xa xỉ ấy, cái họ cần chính là một chút ấm áp, để, dù chỉ một vài giây thôi, biết rằng bản thân mình cũng có quyền được yếu đuối và quyền được hạnh phúc, chứ không phải lúc nào cũng căng mình lên chống đỡ với cuộc đời như vậy.

Bác sĩ chẩn đoán anh bị áp xe gan. Sau 4 ngày truyền kháng sinh nhưng không có dấu hiệu hồi phục ở một bệnh viện tư, chúng tôi được chuyển sang đây. Anh đi bằng xe cấp cứu, trong lúc vẫn ngồi được, còn tôi chạy xe máy theo sau. Trời nắng, tôi nghĩ đã có vài lần mình muốn ngồi thụp xuống mà khóc, nhưng không được. Giờ chưa phải lúc để khóc, tôi nghĩ vậy, mà kỳ thực cũng không có lúc nào để mà khóc đâu, vì tôi tin một người như anh rồi sẽ dần dần hồi phục để mà sống khoẻ, sống tốt. Trong quyển tiểu thuyết mà tôi đã viết xong từ cách đây 5 năm nhưng không xuất bản, có một nhân vật rất hận cuộc đời vì bản thân mình là một người sống rất thác loạn vì thiếu tư cách nhưng vẫn sống tốt, trong khi người yêu cũ của cậu là một người luôn cẩn trọng và kỹ lưỡng trong mọi thứ, lại mất đi vì lý do sức khoẻ. Tôi nghĩ mình phần nào có giống với nhân vật hận đời mang tên Long Hùng ấy, nhưng tôi tin anh không phải là nhân vật người yêu cũ đã mất kia. Tôi biết, cuộc đời vốn bất công, nhưng dù có thế nào đi chăng nữa tôi cũng không tin cuộc đời lại sớm tàn bạo với tôi đến thế.

Bởi cho đến thời điểm hiện tại, anh là người duy nhất yêu tôi nhiều đến thế, và cho tôi cảm giác ấm áp tràn ngập đến thế. Anh không phải dạng người dễ chịu, chúng tôi cũng có đôi lần cãi vã đến mức tôi mang cả chiếc gối vào phòng tắm để giả vờ ngủ trong đó rồi ăn vạ, hay nhảy xuống khỏi xe đứng bên vệ đường, không chịu về nhà, vào lúc nửa đêm. Anh không yêu chiều tôi quá mức 100%, nhưng anh luôn cho tôi thấy được sự hy sinh tuyệt vời mà anh luôn dành cho tôi, luôn muốn cho tôi những cái tốt nhất mà anh có thể làm được, luôn yêu thương tôi vô điều kiện, kể cả khi tôi là một đứa hư hỏng, cứng đầu, ích kỷ và hiếm khi nghĩ đến cảm xúc của người khác.

Tôi đã từng nghĩ, vào những hôm đầu tiên anh ngã bệnh, chắc nếu sau này khi anh không còn nữa, sẽ không có ai có thể yêu tôi được nhiều đến thế nữa. Tôi già rồi, đã 32, không còn là một chú thỏ để có thể đánh lừa được con sói hay bác thợ săn nào. Tôi cũng đã quá mệt mỏi trong việc phải mở lòng mình với một ai đó khác, và điều quan trọng là tôi không nghĩ rằng sẽ có ai chịu được tính khí thất thường của tôi, ngoài anh, dù đôi khi anh cũng hay phàn nàn về điều đó.

Trần trọc vì tiếng hú rền vang và những tiếng kèn không dứt, tôi nghĩ mãi không biết mình có nên buông một câu chửi đổng trên mạng xã hội. Nhưng biết chửi gì? Lũ chó chết? Bọn chó hùa? Hay lũ vô cảm không biết nghĩ đến nỗi đa của người khác? Vô dụng thôi, tất cả những gì loài người không muốn nghe, họ sẽ không nghe. Chúng ta vốn được sinh ra là một giống loài thượng đẳng, biết chọn lọc, biết chia phe, biết thu về những gì tốt nhất cho bản thân và đẩy đi những gì mà mình không ưa thích. Một tiếng nói nhỏ nhoi và giản đơn của tôi thì có ý nghĩa gì, và liệu nếu có, thì nó làm được gì. Tôi là một người, lấy quyền gì mà đối chọi lại đám đông, và đương nhiên, chúng ta chỉ có thể mượn đám đông để chống đối một người, nhưng không thể nào làm ngược lại (như một ai đó đã từng nói, tôi cũng quên mất rồi).

Ngày hôm sau lại là một ngày nắng nóng khủng khiếp ở bệnh viện nhiệt đới. Tôi định gọi đồ ăn sáng lúc 6h, ngay khi chúng tôi từ khách sạn trở lại bệnh viện để chuẩn bị nằm chờ cho lượt thăm khám buổi sáng của bác sĩ. Nhưng anh ngăn tôi lại, bảo cứ ngủ đi, ngủ được chút nào hay chút đó. Sự quan tâm lẫn nhau của tôi với anh đôi khi trở thành cảm giác thù nghịch, vì tôi trách anh đang bệnh mà vẫn cả nghĩ và quan tâm thừa mứa cho tôi quá nhiều, còn anh thì sợ tôi buồn, sợ tôi mệt, nên cố gắng tỏ ra mạnh mẽ dù trong người đang mang mầm bệnh. Anh nhắc tôi nhớ đến mẹ, một người cũng luôn yêu thương quan tâm tôi vô điều kiện, và bao giờ cũng nhận phần thiệt về mình và mong cho tôi được hạnh phúc, thoải mái và sung sướng. Cả cuộc đời tôi đã sung sướng quá nhiều rồi, giờ có lẽ cũng là cái lúc mình nên chịu cực một chút?

Chúng tôi thức dậy vào lúc 7h30 sáng, anh than đói, và việc gọi đồ ăn qua ứng dụng phải mất đến gần 45 phút, với 1 vài lần bị huỷ đơn hàng. Tôi suy nghĩ không biết mình có nên phát cáu với anh vì đã không cho tôi gọi đồ ăn trước đó. Vì khi anh đói, anh than mệt. Chúng tôi đành rót ra một chén yến chung cho anh ăn dằn bụng trong khi đợi đồ ăn đến. Yến chưng quá lỏng, tôi nghĩ nó không đủ để giúp anh cho có năng lượng, nó sẽ trôi tuột xuống ruột non mà chưa kịp thẩm thấu ở bao tử vì không có chút đồ ăn rắn nào chặn nó lại. Việc gọi đồ ăn buổi sáng quá đỗi kinh khủng, tôi bị huỷ đơn hàng đến lần thứ hai và đành mua một chiếc bánh sandwich ở tiệm tạp hoá gần đó cho anh ăn. Anh, dĩ nhiên là đành chịu vì không có phương án nào khác, nhai trệu trạo chiếc bánh trong một buổi sáng tháng 12 không một chút sắc lạnh của mùa đông. Hôm đó là ngày 7.

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